Why I Held Back
by If Wishes Were Blue Skies
Summary: Focuses on Roger's POV in one scene during Act 20: Stripes. It's on his thoughts in that scene when him and Angel are standing in front of the water.


A/N: Okay, I think everyone will agree with me (or at least, most of you… I've already gotten yelled at before because I'm such a big Roger/Dorothy fan) when I say that scene in that last Big O episode on Sunday was pure evil. At least, it was at first. But I loved it when Angel pulled away from Roger and said what she said. Other than that scene, the episode was really good and interesting (even though this week is going to be torture waiting for the next episode! Ergh, evil cliffhangers…). 

Anyway, this is a short fanfic in Roger's POV for that scene in Act 20 with him and Angel. 

**Disclaimer:**I don't own Big O. It's as simple as that.

"Why I Held Back" 

Rated: PG (mild language)

By: MD fan

After we had left the diner, Angel and me now stood at the waterfront. She was standing on my left as we both looked out over the water's waves roll in and out onto the shore. Why we were here, I wasn't really sure. We had just sort of stopped here for no reason. It's not that this wasn't a place I wouldn't go, but… damn, it was so confusing. Everything about this place seemed peaceful, and romantic, and was a place you would go with someone you deeply cared for. The kind of place you go with your lover. 

So then, why was I here with Angel?

After a couple minutes of silence, Angel said something. "You said… that we were two of a kind, didn't you?" she asked. I continued to stare out ahead of me at the water. I remembered when I had said that the other day while we were here before. She had been standing in front of the water, while I had leaned against the Griffon… something about that time had been confusing too, but not nearly as much as it was now. 

"That's right, I did," I told her. "We had both decided we would choose our own destiny." This was true. Just like I had told her in the diner, I had yet to choose what would end my life with Big O, but I would do the choosing, nonetheless.

"And we… fighting on the same side?" she questioned. I still wouldn't look to her, which was okay, since she wasn't looking at me either. "Theoretically, each of us has to fight alone. But I think from time to time, we –," I was cut short by Angel taking my hand in hers. I didn't flinch, though I did on the inside. Something was telling me to take my hand away, but I knew it would be rude to. Even though the 'treating women with respect' rule isn't counted for her. I had told her that.

"Do you think our relationship is going to change?"

God, she was starting to remind me of Dorothy with asking me question after question – Dorothy… that was the first time I had thought of her all day. This wasn't a surprise; I hardly see her anymore, since I'm away from the mansion most of the time now. Suddenly, I thought how different Angel's hand felt compared to Dorothy's, who's were synthetic and hard, while Angel's were soft and warm. But somehow… I felt that I'd rather feel Dorothy's hands holding mine… no! Why on Earth wouldn't I want Angel's hands? They were better, and… and real. Angel was real, Dorothy was not. So why do I have this feeling that I'd choose Dorothy over Angel if I could? Everything was so terribly confusing, I couldn't stand it. I couldn't even think straight. So then, taking Angel's hand that was in mine, I held it up, lacing our fingers together… though everything inside of me was screaming at me to stop.

Without thinking, I told her, "It… already has."

She smiled at me, and stepped closer, laying her head on my shoulder. At this point, I felt like every move I made wasn't by me. Something had taken over my body and was making me do this. And I think… it was my own stubbornness. I was too stubborn to pull away from Angel now and tell her the truth… tell her that it wasn't her I loved, despite that I was acting like I did. 

I gently placed my free hand on her waist and she lifted her head to look at me. For what seemed like a long while, our faces were inches apart, as if to kiss each other. The whole time our eyes were connected, I was sure I was going to get a headache from all the screaming inside of me. She noticed my hesitation. 

"Why are you holding back?" she inquired. 

I made a startled noise, then sighed. I couldn't tell her the truth of why. I don't think I was even ready to face the truth, either. "I'm not holding back, Angel," I lied. Of course I was. What else would I be doing? If I wasn't holding back, then I would have kissed her already…

Angel looked down. "Then why are you…" she fell silent. Then, unexpectedly, she started laughing. What was so funny?

"This is hilarious, Roger Smith!" she cried between laughs. She let go of my hand and took a few steps away from me. I didn't understand why she was laughing. What did she find so amusing? She was now standing with her back towards me, her hands folded in front of her.

"You aren't…" she said, her laughter ceasing. "You can't be…" 

What the hell was she talking about? I wish she would just spit it out already. "Don't tell me you and that perpetually foul tempered android –,"

I gasped quietly, so she wouldn't hear. How could she know that… wait. Know what? What was there for Angel to know? There's no way that R. Dorothy was the reason that I held back at that moment. I mean, just like I said before: Dorothy wasn't real. So I couldn't possibly… love her, right? 

"Enough!" I exclaimed, rushing in front of Angel. I was going to convince her that Dorothy wasn't why I didn't kiss her. "Stop these preposterous insinuations," I commanded. 

I used the word 'preposterous' again. Last time I used that word to describe me and Dorothy being in love was when Beck had said we were just a week ago. Yet, now that I used that word again, I felt that that word didn't really fit. It wasn't true… now that I finally take the time to think about it… it's not preposterous in the least. The word that fits now is… 'true.'

There, I said it. My pride and stubbornness were at last thrown aside by the truth buried deep within me. It was all true… so very true. I was, in fact, in love with the android that lives in my mansion. The one who I'm supposed to protect, the one who I should be here with… not Angel. Angel was just someone I used for my own protection from these feelings for Dorothy. 

And Dorothy was indeed why I held back from Angel's kiss.

**A/N:**Go ahead. And flame. I know I'm gonna get tons from you people who are Roger/Angel fans. I totally discriminated that relationship with this story. But hey, that's how I really think Roger feels. Well, I don't think he admitted it to himself right there, but why else would he have held back? You tell me.

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